Misplaced Blame
by TheEliteLabRatsLover
Summary: Chase isn't suicidal. Really. Well, at least that's what he always thought.


**So, this idea came to me, and I just had to write it. This deals with a pretty serious subject, and I'm actually kind of proud of how it came out. I hope you enjoy this rather dark story. Is it just me or do all of my stories seem to be this way? Eh. Whatever. ;) Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own any of this.**

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Chase isn't suicidal. Really. Well, at least that's what he always thought. Because he never _wanted_ to die.

No, he was _afraid_ to die.

For he didn't know what would happen after his death. He honestly didn't believe he could make it into Heaven.

So, since he didn't want to die, he thought that meant he was not suicidal. But then he realized that there was a lot more to being suicidal than just wanting to die. And everyday, he started seeing more and more signs of that in himself.

He'd see a knife, and rather than thinking everyday, normal things about it, he'd think about how easily it would be take someone's, or even his own, life.

He blamed the occurrences on Mr. Davenport's training.

He'd hold a gun, feeling such immense power, and was amazed by the fact that he could simply lift it and pull the trigger, ending his own life.

He blamed it on his bionics and cautious side tracking down every possibility.

He'd be walking home from school with his siblings on the side of the street, and would imagine that with all the cars going by, what would happen if he tripped and fell into the street? What would he do? It could so easily happen.

He blamed it on his boredom of the situation, and his brain just picking up on the first thing it could find.

He goes out on a mission and faces the vicious, and unrelenting forces of death. Nobody seems to care that he risked his life for them. They just move on without a single word of appreciation, or any sign that they were happy he was okay. That bothered him a strange way he couldn't identify.

He blamed it on post mission adrenaline. They were actually glad, just didn't want to show it. But that made him wonder, how would they react if he _did_ get killed on the mission?

So, when he saw a knife, he'd realize just how fragile the human life is.

But he'd blame it on his bionics once again.

He'd hold a gun, and wonder; what would happen if he _accidentally_ pulled the trigger at an inopportune time? How would his family react?

He'd blame it on the movie Leo and Adam forced him to watch the night before.

He'd walk home from school, once again, just like he did everyday, and would feel an overwhelming urge to just... _step out_. It wouldn't take much to just take one wrong step and meet the front end of an eighteen wheeler. He'd shudder out of that thought and keep walking, never being able to get rid of that nagging sense of curiosity in the back of his mind.

But he'd simply blame it on his morbid curiosity.

He goes on a another mission, this one causing him near death. It makes his heart jump, but then they simply make another joke about him. It makes him wonder just how they'd react if that had all gone entirely differently. So, on missions, he begins to tempt fate. Puts himself in all sorts of danger, just to see how they react. Every time it's the same. He knows he shouldn't do this, but he can't help it. He's just curious. But one of these days he knows he's going to push it too far.

He honestly doesn't know _what_ to blame this on.

But since he didn't want to die, then that meant he wasn't suicidal, right?

That's what he thought. Now he begins to realize, with a heart stopping moment, that maybe...maybe he is suicidal. Maybe taking all of those chances, and being curious about all those deathly potentials, might prove that he is suicidal.

He doesn't necessarily _want_ to die, but he wants to know what it would be like. Would he be rid of all this earthly pain? Would his family care that he was gone forever? Would they care or believe that it was all their fault?

That _they_ are the ones that pushed him to this limit. For a moment, he can't breathe. He can't believe that all these years, he was misplacing blame, because he simply didn't believe that he could possibly be suicidal. Reality comes crashing back in, and he sucks in an icy cold breath through his suddenly dry throat.

He knows he's suicidal.

After all these years, he finally learns the truth. He suddenly feels like he's got the biggest secret of his life to keep from his family. He's afraid that if he moves just the wrong way, or looks at a knife, gun, or even the road just the wrong way, his family will start questioning him.

But then he remembers how observant his family really is, and breathes a sigh of relief.

But not complete relief.

He almost wishes that they'd notice. It begins to make him wonder even more what would happen if he died. He wouldn't commit suicide. No. But there are other ways to die.

Now he sees a knife, and thinks; maybe if he _accidentally_ slipped and knocked the knife off, he might _unfortunately_ land on it.

He now knows what to blame this on.

He sees a gun, and thinks about how his molecular kinesis might _somehow_ glitch; taking out his own life.

He knows what to blame this on.

He walks home from school with his siblings, being left behind in the dust, and thinks about how his foot may get caught, or he trips over his own feet, causing him to _accidentally_ fall into the street at an inopportune time. Thus, causing his own unfortunate demise.

He knows what to blame this on.

He goes on a mission now, and thinks about how he could _accidentally_ fall into harm's way, and _somehow_ not make it back out. Or how he could be _too late_ to save himself.

He knows what to blame this on.

He doesn't really want to die, but he _wants_ to know how everyone would react. Would they mourn him? Would they grieve for the loss of a brother and son? Would they only care because he was the Mission Leader? He didn't know, but it made him wonder more and more everyday.

He now understands the truth of these thoughts. He's no longer placing the blame on the first thing that pops into his head. No. He now knows the truth behind all of these thoughts. He just wants to know how his family would react, but he isn't really suicidal.

But then he thinks; he doesn't _want_ to die, but he does _want_ to know what his family would do.

And for a moment, clarity shines bright through him. He thinks that he's not suicidal, but yet he _does_ wants to know how his family would react to his death.

He so desperately wants to _know_.

And for a heart-startling moment, he realizes.

Maybe he _does_ want to die.

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 **So, yeah, there's definitely some truth in this story. This subject is kinda' close to my heart for various reasons, and I tried to capture the essence of the seriousness in this situation.**

 **Remember, if you're thinking about committing suicide; don't. Just don't. It's not worth it, because believe it or not, people do love and care about you. Like me. :) And God. So please don't.**

 **Hope you enjoyed. Please review! :)**


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